In my messed up world masculinity was perceived as a threat. Men appeared as intrusive, aggressive, overpowering and I felt like being constantly on the run, avoiding any possible closeness. Running away from the hurt and the danger. I didn`t realize that the filters I was wearing were full of dirt and filthy. I didn`t realize that my own filters were stuck and messed up, so I could not perceive the male energy as anything else than coloured by the imprints I had.
The perception of my outside was already impaired hugely by my insecurity in regards to my own feminine side, but grasping what masculinity is, was impossible. To me I wore my googles witout being aware that I had any. My understanding of masculinity consisted of blindly accepting what I was fed as insights and what I had experienced myself. No looking outside the box. Danger here.
The tiny pityful thing is, that we often surround ourselves with proof of what we drew as conclusions as children. Men that are like daddy and women that are like mom, because men are like this and women are like that. The simple fact why we do that is, because it is familiar and the closest family members, often our parents are generally the people by whom we are influenced the most. So the foundation of our behavioural patterns is mostly set by those close to us or their lack of, in the very first years.
So whatever we have experienced, our early childhood is the ground we build upon.
We very much learn from our parents how to handle certain situations, how to behave, but also how to mirror their patterns, how strange they even might be. We draw in what is familiar, not because it makes sense and not because they forcibly do us good, but because they behave in a way that is familiar to us, so that we know how to deal with whatever they might confront us with. This means that the wheel of repetition turns around again and again.
We usually do attract a pendant of one of our parents, if we have not brought those unconscious patterns into our consciousness yet.
It took me ages to understand that the way I perceived men came from a very distorted, twisted approach, because what I had experienced from the closest male figure in my life as a child was a broken toxic masculinity. This was the familiar, this was what I drew into my life, strangely even the only thing that I let in. I was blind to the rest.
So what does it actually mean to describe male energy as twisted? To me, twisted masculinity can be found in men who are reckless in regards to somebody else`s emotions, who are run by their hormones without wanting to take any control or responsibility, who need to keep others low, suppress others, who are satisfied by destruction. And yes, we are all a bit selfish, all a bit moody or sweapt over by our emotions from time to time, this is the human part, but lacking empathy and recklessly sacrificing others as a means to an end, this is the aspect where the male energy itself got corruped in a way. I didn`t know that before I started my own healing journey, but now I am very well aware that this is just one spectrum of how one expresses their male energy.
I usually imagine that the options of how to live male or female energy can be seen as all shades of colours, there are dark shades and bright shining vibrant colours.
So as my own internal world healed more and more, I began to realize that it was time to say Goodbye to wrong projections and to correct my false perceptions by taking off the googles and realizing that male energy in itself, in it`s pure form is just as innocent as female energy, just as beautiful and life-affirming as the feminine counterpart.
Our society appears to be crippled in so many ways and regarding genders it is just another aspect, but the really good thing is, that by healing the wounds of the hurt, usually twisted energy unwinds and starts to flow in a way how it is meant to be.
By healing the pain and brokenness inside, it is time to realize that we – in our essence - come from a life-affirming place, no matter whether male or female. And sometimes this life-affirming energy might appear to have been lost or taken away, but it is always there, always underneath. As we ourselves are a breathing example of life`s essence as women and as men.
It is so soothing for the soul to come to terms with the truth, that there exists a whole range of how one incporporates these energies and that the former limitation was a mere blinding factor and nothing else.
Slowly having woken up from my own limiting mindset, the astonishment of the beauty that lies within a harmonious firm male energy fills me with joy and I feel this deep gratitude towards those men who are a living example of that. Seeing us as equals, not as same, but equals. Valuing women`s essence as well as valuing men`s. I do believe this is love.