Today I went on the journey to explore, why I believed that my body was lacking the ability to create warmth and why cold showers felt like torture to me....
Being guided back to finding the sources of this state of being brought me back to my very childhood, remembering that we lived in a house that only had a heater which worked with firewood. There was no warm water, unless it was heated up by fire and so it was very usual to have freezing cold water in the morning, especially during winter times.
Yet as a child, I was forced to endure ice cold showers often. It was freezing cold and I had no choice to escape. Since it was a repetitive experience, this alone would have been more than enough reason for me to completely resent cold showers in my adult life, even if they were the promise of miracles. And having had this as an experience it was already understandable that generating heat felt like a difficult task.
In order to dive even deeper, we went back to the womb and within the womb, my bodily perceptions were similar, I felt cold. Yet the reason in this case was, that the stress hormones in my mother`s body, her anxiety and the hostile environment made me feel unsafe and I was in a state of freeze or flight. Very often people who are in those states feel they can not generate heat within their bodies, which was the case for me as well.
In order to grasp the whole pattern, we went even further back, back to another lifetime and in this lifetime, the moment I entered, when I looked down at my own feet, they already turned purple and were dying off. I saw myself lying barefoot in the snow next to a pile of firewood, yet it belonged to my step-mother and her daughters... It almost felt like the typical clichee of being the stepdaughter. After my own father died, I was only tolerated outside the small hut and fed crumbs if I was working enough, yet when winter time came, there was no place inside for me and so I died of freezing.
While reviewing this lifetime, I already felt, that the essential connection was pointing out the lack of love, the inner coldness of the environment and feeling this coldness within.
So in order to completely understand the pattern, we went back to a final scene, a final lifetime, the origin of this pattern. Back to the lifetime as a male healer, who was tortured to death. The first thing I became aware of were my disfigured feet, filled with bruises and wounds, swollen and turning purple again and because torture methods in the middle ages were made to drive every part of being human out of your soul, it felt like my heart centre was shutting down, the heart magnet was almost gone. It was too much to bear and too scary to allow warmth into my heart, since the love and compassion for mankind was, what brought me into this horrific situation.
Analyzing this pattern, from the beginning onwards, it was so clear to me, that the external coldness was connected to the internal shutting down of my heart centre. In all those situations there was no choice, in all those moments, there was this cold, hostile environment, so I allowed it to come back again and again as a reminder, that I absolutely drew the wrong conclusions, I allowed the wrong moments to impact me in such a horrendous way. Shutting my heart centre down meant choosing the coldness.
As a soul, it was a path I was on, where I had not found any way out yet. It taught me a great deal of compassion for myself and for those who do endure such or similar hardship. Yet, from a higher perspective, it taught me also the power of my heart centre and how impactful fear can be in our lives. Those traumatic events were too huge to be dealt easily with on a human level, yet on a soul level, one step led to another and putting weight on one aspect, did increase it even further.
And this is why I really want to remind you: We are greater than our physcial state, we are greater than our emotional state and even our mental state, we are a wonderful spark of consciousness, in a vast ocean of the divine. Be very wise where you direct your focus to, it might be a powerful learning lesson for your soul, yet you might actually not need and want it, suffering on this planet it not necessary any longer. So do focus on increasing the light and the love within yourself, allow your inner fire to be ignited by having the courage to shed the fear, because you are vast, you are great and you are special and do deserve the best.