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I don`t know whether it was due to Mercury Retrograde or because of the sneaky smile from a neighbour, but these last days were filled with a grumpy mood. Oh my, so grumpy.

I definitely am not someone who believes we need to feel happy and have sunshine all the time. Life has its ripples. But - oh my - these days were grumpy and honestly, it was not because of anything major from the outside, which could have brought me to the edge.

No, from outside, there were definitely some minor triggers, but nothing which justified the intensity of how grumpy I was. Whatever it was, I knew, there was something internal, something unresolved drawing attention to itself. I observed myself experiencing the same cycle of thoughts. Memories I was re-playing through my mind, came back over and over again.

So I decided, the best option would be to dig deep, to dive deep and to find out, what my emotions wanted to tell me, what needed to be brought to my awareness. My dear friend Dani was up to this new adventure luckily again and she guided me back to where my grumpiness came from.

I saw myself instantly in two different scenes. They popped up simultaneously. Both were filled with the same sensation, the same feelings. I was standing infront of a crowd in both of them and I was accused by them in an injust way.

One of the scenes happened when I was a small girl at school and the other one happened in a past lifetime, where I expressed something, which was too scary to hear and by that, the crowd decided to kill the messenger instead of investigating any further. I was disappointed that not even one of them tried to understand me or tried to consider my position.

In the middle part of the regression, I went back to sense myself as a perpetrator, as someone who did injustice to someone else, but I realized how I was so filled up with rage and ended up becoming violent, because the whole society was merely judging and pointing the finger from the outside, but I had never experienced any compassion or any understanding. There was no heart in the exchange with others and the massive traumatic abuse that had happened to me as a child, had to stay suppressed and ignored, which only made it boil even worse. That past lifetime was an eyeopening example of how society can either serve as a valve for processing unresolved trauma or as a seal, which leads into blindly re-enacting it.

In the last bit of the regression, I saw myself as an Alchemist in the Atlantean times and I had tried so eagerly to prevent the destruction of this paradise like place. Something went completely wrong and the destruction actually speeded up, which caused that I ended up being blamed for it by the Council.
I felt so grumpy, there was this huge disappointment within me, because they were doing nothing, merely awaiting the downfall and when my initiative did not work out as planned, they had nothing but judgemental words towards me. No one sympathized with me, no one even considered that I was at least trying, no one tried to understand or felt any compassion. There was mere finger pointing and this made me angry, really really grumpy.

But when I reviewed the scenes after revisiting them, I realized, how all my past versions of myself actually deserved compassion and deserved to be seen for at least trying. There was this loneliness and the lack of heart felt connection, which kept all possible doors shut from the outside, but now it was not about the inability of others to see me any longer, it was about seeing myself, it was about re-activating the compassion towards myself from the inside. It was about sending compassion to myself.

I was not judging or blaming the Alchemist for failing, not the perpetrator from the past life, not the young woman who spoke the truth towards people who could not see it, not the young girl, that sensed an injustice and was not skilled in finding the right words. I embraced all of them, I hugged them and felt love and compassion. I really did.

Very often people grow bitter, because they might not have experienced any kindness towards them, which does not justify their behaviour, but kindness is a door to a potentially completely new world. Just like how judgement and indifference closes doors, so can just a few seconds of authentic communication, an open heart and the feeling of being seen or listened to, be like a key to open new territory for the self.

When we allow our heart to speak instead of only our mind, especially towards ourselves, and we choose to listen, we allow life to thrive and by that also allow it to bring itself back into harmony.

Be more gentle, be more kind, especially towards yourself. Pat yourself on your shoulder more often, because you know, you have tried your best and came from a good position. Let heart felt love be your guidance, compassion your fuel and start with yourself first.

If you feel you need support in addressing re-occuring feelings or thoughts, feel free to connect and book a session

  • tulip

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