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Depression was something that felt like being me. It was so strong since being in puberty that I considered it my normal state and didn`t even name it for what it was. In my whole identity being down, feeling like being in a fog was familar, was what I used to feel like and watching others smile and laugh was like foreign territory.

But because my depression was so deep and fundamental that I did not care about loosing my life, I started to think about how my children could cope with loosing her mom. I didn`t want to run away from my problems anymore in at least regards to trying to be a good mom. So my choice to face my internal state came out of the motivation to create a better life for my children and my urgent wish to treat them in a better way, than I had experienced (which quite often was a fight against my own inner programming which I often lost).

But finally addressing those feelings, which felt like a conglomerat of many low feelings, it was the beginning of finding out that depression is not actually me, it is something I could not have dealt with as a child and was so used to suppress that it resulted in keeping me in that state. It took a year and a half to clear out many of those old feelings and let go of past burdens, but it was a path worth walking, the only path worth walking... and so can you, you have the solution inside you, grab it, have the courage, trust in you inate power.

  • paeony

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