In this post I will share how I approached this issue in a way that fitted with my inner truth and maybe there would have been an easier or quicker solution, I honestly don`t know, but this was the path that felt right with me and my journey to heal from it.
Since I can remember my life felt like a mere pale existence covered with a thick impenetrable fog. Depression was part of my life since I can remember, it went back to beginning of puberty and probably even before that. I had depression for many long painful years, decades. But if you would have asked me then, I would have never labeled it like that, as this was just my normal state of being. I didn`t know how it feels to be filled with joy, I didn`t know how it felt to be part of life, because what I had was a downgraded version limited to the unpleasant side.
The depression that I had was so bad that I was sometimes just lying in bed starring at the ceiling and not even wanting to drink water any longer, I just wanted to be gone. My life felt like an everlasting internal misery. I woke up so often without any energy, pulling myself out of bed and dragging myself miserably through the day, and at the end of the day falling into bed completely exhausted with they same cycle starting all over the next day. This state I was in felt like less than half-dead inside. For years and years this was my everyday routine and I knew this could not go on like this forever.
Luckily there were enough wake up calls, to push me into a direction to face whatever was causing it. And maybe I was lucky as well that I have never been labelled as depressed and never labelled myself with this diagnosis, because by that I saw myself from a different angle. I somehow grasped that I was buried underneath all sorts of emotions. All kind of emotions I never had the chance to process, because I was brought up in a way where feelings were considered as completely irrelevant, hindering and meant to be stuffed inside or hidden. Crying, sadness, fear was considered as weakness, anger as threat and the rest was just sweapt under the rug.
And because life sometimes helps with synchronicities I stumbled upon the frequency of emotion chart. I was completely surprised to find out that shame was the lowest of emotions possible and I carried so much of that, no wonder that life itself felt like suffering.
So I thought to myself, why not use this chart to my advantage and start from bottom to top, addressing all these emotions directly via RTT. And so I did. It wasn`t pleasant, it wasn`t easy, as some emotions were so strong that one session simply was not enough for them. Some were mingled, some didn`t show up before a certain layer was removed.
Actually looking back, all of them required several sessions. The feelings of shame, guilt and anger were going especially deep. But with every session it felt like the fog got slightly less and less. It was as if I could lift my head slowly and recognize my surrounding more and more since a very long time. Colours started to re-appear, senses re-gained their dimensions, life started to become real again, not only perceived through the veil of pain from unresolved traumas.
And after a while the fog was gone. Gone! It felt as if I was reborn. I can`t actually tell you when it left completely and yes, there are sometimes days when I am sad – which I consider as normal part of life – but this was my approach to address depression. It was a gradual process and it took a while, but it felt thorough.
And as for the session count, I would consider the first 20 sessions as bringing back my life. After that I was eager and hungry to get rid of all the other limitations that held me back from then on and I was really motivated to change, but by releasing all the stale muddy brew at the bottom, life could return.
So in my eyes, to me, depression takes form, when we grow up in a family, where feelings are neglected, suppressed, stuffed within, accumulated more and more until life gets really heavy and weighs us down, up to the point where we have denied our inner world completely.
And of course, there are different gradients to that, different varieties how this pattern manifests itself, but to me the solution was to acknowledge what once wasn`t allowed to be acknowledged, to express what once wasn`t allowed to be expressed, to feel all that was never welcome.
This resurfacing of all the cramped in pain and putting it into the right perspective was the release itself. And I can from my own personal experience really say it is as simple as that.... what is stuffed inside, needs to come out. Because if it does not, it shows itself in other forms, where we might not even have the control over.