Do you know this feeling of resenting yourself because you are overreacting in a way and realizing afterwards how wrong it was? Being blinded by anger?
Anger was a big one in my life, really. Actually I was constantly angry. Angry towards everything and everybody and constantly considering the outside world as the reason for that, because this is how I learned to see the world.
I was angry towards my own children, even if they were just doing normal child-like things. These were the essential moments when I realized I really want to do something about it, because it didn`t feel right to have those strong emotions withing in contrast to what actually happened.
So I tried several different methods to help me resolve this issue. Meditating was really helpful, Somatic Experience was really great, Trauma Releasing Exercises were wonderful and I feel all the work helped to build up resilience. In those times when I was meditating I could be a lot calmer, but as soon as I stopped meditating regularily, I felt like everything came back and I felt similar like before the year where I was really disciplined and sat down for at least one hour every day.
So I could keep my calm as long as was by myself, but as soon as somebody approached me and I felt demands, expectations, needs, it was as if my cup was already empty and I couldn`t hand out more, so I felt this rage inside, to protect myself from breaking apart. This huge huge rage, that didn`t make sense, this rage that was so hurtful and destructive.
In calm moments I tried to understand myself and reflected upon why I was feeling that way, why I was spitting out words and phrases that felt like they weren`t even my own. I so often felt like a vinyl with lots of scratches, simply repeating again and again what was recorded onto it. I heard the words which my mother used towards me pouring out of my own mouth, I heard the words from my father and during those moments of fight-or-flight mode, they felt more like a counter-attack shooting the enemy, which was weird, because the people who triggered me the most were those who were closest to me, whom I should really love deeply and create a peaceful atmosphere for.
And because I was so fed up with myself, I wanted to find out, why I couldn`t just shed it off like an old skin, because my thinking brain didn`t consider it as a reasonable response any longer, but it felt like my body was seeing it in a different way.
And this was a very crucial insight, to really acknowledge that my rational conscious mind was not steering the wheel, my logc was not sitting in the driver`s seat.
I never wanted to treat my children in the same manner I was treated and yet, I found myself constantly overwhealmed and freaking out over nothing, having no adequate coping skills. So, a solution was needed. Urgently.
But hey, it is not like with a dysfunctional mainboard, just delete the broken program and you are done with it, you have the solution.... no, you have to go back to the reason as to why your behavioural pattern is he way it is. It took a while, but because my heart was really desperately want a way out, I did so. I went to regressive hypnosis and RTT. I did so many times and I also started to address my anger issues directly via RTT. Simply wanting to find out, what makes me so angry, to finally get rid of it and it helped, it helped big time. It needed about five sessions focussing on exactly this feeling and then it felt like the valve was open and the old stories could be flow out and be apeaced, the old wounds could be addressed and heal.
This was yet another proof to me that emotions won`t be tricked into just going away, they want to be acknowledged. Our wounds want to be attended to. We need to see that everything we once experienced and the feelings connected to that are a valid part of our stories.
And the stories that came up were really painful, finding myself in the state of being a child again experiencing these unbearable moments on an emotional level again but this time really from my perspective, from my inner truth.
And anger as such is not our enemy, it is unpleasant to be angry, it is unpleasant to act it out, but anger in its pure form is a feeling that gets activated, as soon as our boundaries are crossed in an unjust and harmful way. We need to differentiate between old anger, that stems from old unhealed wounds and I am definitely for resolving all of that, because it is not worth to be weakened by old unresolved stories, but if we feel anger in a situation where someone is treating us in an inapporpriate way, anger has its place.
We just need to learn to see the difference between both and we need to take full responsibility of how we react, but in some cases it very well is the most appropriate reaction to demand a firm „no“. To me, since I feel I healed the old wounds now, I now rarely get angry, because I also demand a clear manner of respect towards me and if this isn`t followed, I know and feel that sometimes it is ok to not surround yourself with people who can not respect that, so to say a clear „no“ to certain people in your life.
The clear form of anger itself is a feeling that comes in and goes quickly again now, as I instantly let action follow along with it, in the sense that I remove myself quickly from unpleasant circumstances. And then the anger is done with, it fulfilled its job, it fulfilled its purpose and therefor has a wonderful place in my life now. Making me grateful for even having anger as an appropriate response, as this also helps me to navigate myself better through this world.
It is just that I happily take responsibility for my inner responses now and direct them in a way so that they become either constructive or at least harmless, not always in a perfect way, but we are all learning, we are all improving if we choose to.
But really allow yourself to heal your old wounds first, explore where they come from, cry the tears for the injustice that has happened to you, reposition your old beliefs in a way that are true and aligned with your higher self and know that this makes you a wonderful perfect human being, with the whole spectrum of emotions.