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I still remember the moment, when I decided, I wanted my breasts to stop growing. It was a regular day and I was at the beginning of puberty. I still remember walking from the house towards the stable for the ponies and having this inner dialogue with myself that I wanted this pain to stop and the process of breast growth felt very painful while riding the ponies. So I really wanted none of this to happen, because I could not handle it any longer. My life was a far too big mess, to bear any additional stress. The place where I grew up felt like a warzone and becoming a full grown woman meant only being more of a target. I was so firm in my decision that my body followed along precisely with what I demanded.
At that age I didn`t give it much of a thought what this decision might have as an impact upon my life. It was simply the way it was and I had much bigger issues to deal with. It only dawned upon me later that what happened then made me leave something behind, that I actually was not willing to give up. It even felt like something had been taken away from me. There was this grudge underneath, towards those who put me into a constant battlefield and towards those who didn`t protect me.
The strategies on the battlefield became my kind of language for a very long time, human interaction was automatically equal to anticipating an attack. So what for would one need beautiful breasts for this, they would only mean drawing attention in, which was the least I wanted, since attention equalled hostility.
There was no feeling of safety within this family, you simply could not let the guard down, this would only mean facing consequences and being hurt again.
When I moved away from my birth family, those patterns of how to respond were so deeply embossed that I simply drew people into my life who mirrored those patterns, everyone else simply fell under the radar and I was completely unaware of how familiarity kept me bound.
Time went by and after a few years I got married. Some more years later I birthed my adorable son and wanted to provide him with everything he needed, as natural as possible. My breasts already grew nicely for breastfeeding and I gave my best to breastfeed him. The dilemma was, that I had this clear ambition in my mind to do so, but my body was on red alert mode, my breasts had the worst infection, so that I even bit on a stick to endure the pain while breastfeeding... yes, I wanted it so badly that I didn`t give up and after some months it worked. I didn`t enjoy it, indeed I resented it, but my expectations on how to bemother my son were clear. It was actually so obvious in hindsight, how my body responded to stress and clearly tried to keep up the boundaries, but I couldn`t see it then. The infection and the emotional resentment were a simple response to my own experiences and were meant to create a distance to a bodypart that I so much restricted and hid away since puberty. I had ignored that completely within my own mind, but my body reminded me of my own story. Which I did not see then.
About three years later I had my adorable daughter and with her everything appeared to be so much easier, breastfeeding went so smooth and my breasts grew even bigger, which I liked. Interestingly I had the belief „I can`t have that“ and so after years of breastfeeding my breasts went back to pre-pregnancy state. Which was what I had expected anyways.
By healing trauma and regaining more and more of my own life, my longing to take back what is mine grew. My desire to become physically, emotionally and mentally who I actually was meant to be became so big, that I started to turn every stone I found on my path, to reclaim what belongs to me.
So I started researching and found my holy grail: a fantastic recording for breast growth. I started listening to it and felt activation going on within my breasts, I even had the impression that I experienced breast growth, but my mind and my emotions said clearly No. So all went back to familiar again and then I decided to remove all the messed up beliefs and unhealed emotions, which was fantastic, I really felt different within my body, or more so I was able to connect more and more with my own body. Since it was all too familar to dissociate with my own physical being. My body shifted from being a foreigner to being my friend. But what I experienced clearly was, that my breasts would not simply get bigger, only because those issues were resolved. No, I realized that I needed to form my own sensation of a new blueprint, which allowed me to see and feel myself differently. I realized that I need to put the effort into my perception of myself, of how I want to look like, by including all my senses and having ut as a regular practice over a period of at least three months.
I know, you are very curious in reading about my result... but this might have to wait until end of December, since I just started about two weeks ago. I will definitely keep you updated on this one.
Just to let you know additionally – you might consider me as a weirdo, which I happily take – but whatever the outcome might be – and this time I am optimistic – I promised to myself to not give up, even when I will be 80, since I do believe that our bodies are able to change, shift and heal as long as we are alive (and maybe this might even be a bit after being 80).
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